Jon Stewart Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Jon Stewart on Wise Famous Quotes.
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."
Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.
If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?
So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?
I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man.
Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!
Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns ... the writers are back!
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
I only quote Rabbinical text .. there is no dark secret .. there is no hidden agenda .. I'm merely an arbiter of biblical law.
When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party