Jon Stewart Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jon Stewart on Wise Famous Quotes.

Jon Stewart quotes: The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan. The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
Jon Stewart quotes: I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
Jon Stewart quotes: Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman. Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Jon Stewart quotes: Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly. Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.
Jon Stewart quotes: People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have. People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
Jon Stewart quotes: I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything. I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.
Jon Stewart quotes: I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success". I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
Jon Stewart quotes: I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us. I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.
Jon Stewart quotes: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart quotes: I kid because I'm on basic cable. I kid because I'm on basic cable.
Jon Stewart quotes: Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing. Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.
Jon Stewart quotes: Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating. Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
Jon Stewart quotes: You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart quotes: If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.
Jon Stewart quotes: You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
Jon Stewart quotes: You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror." You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."
Jon Stewart quotes: I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth. I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.
Jon Stewart quotes: Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed. Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
Jon Stewart quotes: Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra. Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.
Jon Stewart quotes: 61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians. 61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
Jon Stewart quotes: I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that. I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
Jon Stewart quotes: Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented. Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.
Jon Stewart quotes: We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people. We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.
Jon Stewart quotes: Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild. Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild.
Jon Stewart quotes: Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Jon Stewart quotes: It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else. It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.
Jon Stewart quotes: By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Jon Stewart quotes: That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material. That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Jon Stewart quotes: I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles. I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.
Jon Stewart quotes: Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
Jon Stewart quotes: I watch a lot of astronaut movies ... Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist. I watch a lot of astronaut movies ... Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.
Jon Stewart quotes: In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it? In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?
Jon Stewart quotes: Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart quotes: I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
Jon Stewart quotes: On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks. On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
Jon Stewart quotes: The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling. The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.
Jon Stewart quotes: That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.
Jon Stewart quotes: As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable. As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.
Jon Stewart quotes: The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
Jon Stewart quotes: It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan. It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.
Jon Stewart quotes: If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?
Jon Stewart quotes: Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool? Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?
Jon Stewart quotes: So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff. So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.
Jon Stewart quotes: The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!' The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'
Jon Stewart quotes: Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone. Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.
Jon Stewart quotes: No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey. No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.
Jon Stewart quotes: I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on. I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on.
Jon Stewart quotes: Oh my god ... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him. Oh my god ... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
Jon Stewart quotes: I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.
Jon Stewart quotes: If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
Jon Stewart quotes: The government that governs best, governs best! The government that governs best, governs best!
Jon Stewart quotes: Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK. Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
Jon Stewart quotes: I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would. I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.
Jon Stewart quotes: It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.
Jon Stewart quotes: The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.
Jon Stewart quotes: I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building. I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Jon Stewart quotes: They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans. They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.
Jon Stewart quotes: Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition? Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?
Jon Stewart quotes: People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!' People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!'
Jon Stewart quotes: Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic. Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.
Jon Stewart quotes: I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
Jon Stewart quotes: The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry. The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.
Jon Stewart quotes: If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Jon Stewart quotes: I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
Jon Stewart quotes: We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
Jon Stewart quotes: Everyone just needs to get over themselves. Everyone just needs to get over themselves.
Jon Stewart quotes: You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
Jon Stewart quotes: You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!
Jon Stewart quotes: What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I? What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?
Jon Stewart quotes: I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.
Jon Stewart quotes: I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus. I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.
Jon Stewart quotes: When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?
Jon Stewart quotes: I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
Jon Stewart quotes: No one is better at not beating America than England. No one is better at not beating America than England.
Jon Stewart quotes: McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Jon Stewart quotes: I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Jon Stewart quotes: I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
Jon Stewart quotes: If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out. If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.
Jon Stewart quotes: I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
Jon Stewart quotes: The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith. The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
Jon Stewart quotes: We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.
Jon Stewart quotes: Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man. Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man.
Jon Stewart quotes: I feel like [God]'s hazing us. I feel like [God]'s hazing us.
Jon Stewart quotes: Classroom Activities1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia! Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!
Jon Stewart quotes: Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns ... the writers are back! Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns ... the writers are back!
Jon Stewart quotes: There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is. There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
Jon Stewart quotes: I only quote Rabbinical text .. there is no dark secret .. there is no hidden agenda .. I'm merely an arbiter of biblical law. I only quote Rabbinical text .. there is no dark secret .. there is no hidden agenda .. I'm merely an arbiter of biblical law.
Jon Stewart quotes: If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while? If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?
Jon Stewart quotes: When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds. When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
Jon Stewart quotes: The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
Jon Stewart quotes: What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president? What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?
Jon Stewart quotes: The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party
Jon Stewart quotes: 9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ... no Congress can make just one. 9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ... no Congress can make just one.
Jon Stewart quotes: Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.
Jon Stewart quotes: The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
Jon Stewart quotes: I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.
Jon Stewart quotes: Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.
Jon Stewart quotes: Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon. Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.
Jon Stewart quotes: Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
Jon Stewart quotes: As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy. As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

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