Attell Quotes
Collection of top 66 famous quotes about Attell
Attell Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Attell quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
— Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
— Dave Attell
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
— Dave Attell
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa ... Write it down!
— Dave Attell
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
— Dave Attell
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
— Dave Attell
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
— Dave Attell
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
— Dave Attell
I don't watch reality TV.
— Dave Attell
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
— Dave Attell
I'm not really a music guy.
— Dave Attell
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
— Dave Attell
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
— Dave Attell
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
— Dave Attell
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.
— Dave Attell
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
— Dave Attell
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
— Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
— Dave Attell
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
— Dave Attell
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
— Dave Attell
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.
— Dave Attell
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
— Dave Attell
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
— Dave Attell
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
— Dave Attell
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
— Dave Attell
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
— Dave Attell
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
— Dave Attell
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
— Dave Attell
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
— Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
— Dave Attell
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
— Dave Attell
I'm not like a performer type.
— Dave Attell
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
— Dave Attell
My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
— Dave Attell
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
— Dave Attell
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin!
— Dave Attell
I smoke so much. Three packs a day ... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
— Dave Attell
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
— Dave Attell
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
— Dave Attell
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
— Dave Attell
I have no grand scheme.
— Dave Attell
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
— Dave Attell
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
— Dave Attell
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!'
— Dave Attell
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
— Dave Attell
I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.
— Dave Attell
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
— Dave Attell
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
— Dave Attell
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
— Dave Attell
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
— Dave Attell
I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
— Dave Attell
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
— Dave Attell