Billy Connolly Quotes
Collection of top 99 famous quotes about Billy Connolly
Billy Connolly Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Billy Connolly quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
— Billy Connolly
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
— Billy Connolly
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
— Billy Connolly
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
— Billy Connolly
I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
— Billy Connolly
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
— Billy Connolly
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
— Billy Connolly
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
— Billy Connolly
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
— Billy Connolly
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
— Billy Connolly
I've been a poser for fing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. — Billy Connolly
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.""Don't vote. It just encourages them ... — Billy Connolly
Outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease.
— Billy Connolly
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days..
— Billy Connolly
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
— Billy Connolly
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
— Billy Connolly
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
— Billy Connolly
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
— Billy Connolly
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
— Billy Connolly
Try to live in a place you like.
— Billy Connolly
The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
— Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
— Billy Connolly
The three people I've always wanted to meet are Stephen Fry, Billy Connolly and Steven Gerrard.
— Andrew Buchan
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
— Billy Connolly
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
— Billy Connolly
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
— Billy Connolly
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
— Billy Connolly
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things ... after the weather.
— Billy Connolly
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
— Billy Connolly
I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
— Billy Connolly
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
— Billy Connolly
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
— Billy Connolly
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
— Billy Connolly
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
— Billy Connolly
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
— Billy Connolly
A fart is just your arse applauding.
— Billy Connolly
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
— Billy Connolly
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
— Billy Connolly
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?
— Billy Connolly
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
— Billy Connolly
Wisdom is the contant questioning of where you are. And when you stop wanting to know, you're dea. You're walking, but you're dead.
— Billy Connolly
Never trust people who've only got one fucking book.
— Billy Connolly
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
— Billy Connolly
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
— Billy Connolly
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
— Billy Connolly
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
— Billy Connolly
Don't die until you're dead.
— Billy Connolly
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
— Billy Connolly
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
— Billy Connolly
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
— Billy Connolly
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
— Billy Connolly
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
— Billy Connolly
I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
— Billy Connolly
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
— Billy Connolly
Fuck the begrudgers
— Billy Connolly
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
— Billy Connolly
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
— Billy Connolly
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
— Billy Connolly
Don't work out, work in.
— Billy Connolly
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
— Billy Connolly
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
— Billy Connolly
Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
— Billy Connolly
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
— Billy Connolly
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
— Billy Connolly
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
— Billy Connolly
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
— Billy Connolly
I don't aim to offend.
— Billy Connolly
![Billy Connolly Quotes By Billy Connolly: [To audience members who were arriving late] You](https://www.wisefamousquotes.com/images/billy-connolly-quotes-by-billy-connolly-39560.jpg "Billy Connolly Quotes By Billy Connolly: [To audience members who were arriving late] You")
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here
— Billy Connolly
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
— Billy Connolly
Never trust anybody with only one book.
— Billy Connolly
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
— Billy Connolly
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
— Billy Connolly
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
— Billy Connolly
When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.
— Billy Connolly
I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
— Billy Connolly
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
— Billy Connolly
I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".
— Billy Connolly
The more you know the less the better.
— Billy Connolly
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
— Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
— Billy Connolly
I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.
— Billy Connolly
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
— Billy Connolly
If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.
— Billy Connolly
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
— Billy Connolly
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
— Billy Connolly
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
— Billy Connolly
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
— Billy Connolly
If you give people a chance, they shine.
— Billy Connolly