Emo Philips Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Emo Philips
Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Emo Philips quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a goodbagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?' — Emo Philips
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
— Emo Philips
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
— Emo Philips
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
— Emo Philips
Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball.
— Emo Philips
Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.
— Emo Philips
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ...
— Emo Philips
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
— Emo Philips
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.
— Emo Philips
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
— Emo Philips
I learned about sex the hard way ... from books.
— Emo Philips
I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.
— Emo Philips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists.
— Emo Philips
Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
— Emo Philips
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
— Emo Philips
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
— Emo Philips
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
— Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
— Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
— Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
— Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
— Emo Philips
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
— Emo Philips
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
— Emo Philips
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
— Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
— Emo Philips
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
— Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
— Emo Philips
They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
— Emo Philips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
— Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
— Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
— Emo Philips
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
— Emo Philips
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
— Emo Philips
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
— Emo Philips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
— Emo Philips
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
— Emo Philips
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
— Emo Philips
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
— Emo Philips
I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one.
— Emo Philips
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
— Emo Philips
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
— Emo Philips
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
— Emo Philips
