Funny Humor Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Funny Humor
Funny Humor Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
— Mitch Hedberg
There was no doubt in my mind that Daemon believed revenge was a dish best served in my face.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ...
— Dave Barry
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
— Rodney Dangerfield
Bursting into flame would definitely blow my cover.
— Rob Thomas
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
— Franklyn Ajaye
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
— Frankie Boyle
We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.
— Aimee Bender
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
— Steven Wright
His eyes are a hazy swirl ofgray, like a thick mass of clouds gathering before an impending storm — Elle Kennedy
First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
— Chelsea Handler
Giggler, I think I hate you most of all.
— Alice Clayton
No means yes in grasshopper language.
— Noel Fielding
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
— Tim Vine
Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds.
— Dave Barry
The ballgame is over ... in this inning.
— Jerry Coleman
Who's stupid now, Jimbo?!
— April Henry
Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.""Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger
I've never been bothered with my conduct. I've only been bothered by people that don't get it correct when they gossip about me.
— Shannon L. Alder
I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?
— Jesse Ball
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
— Jeff Foxworthy
I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.
— M.J. McGuire
Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch!
— Jerry Coleman
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
— Mitch Hedberg
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
— David Letterman
I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.
— Bo Burnham
Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible! — Lewis Carroll
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
— Mitch Hedberg
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
— P. J. O'Rourke
The lot of the brideto be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten. — Roman Payne
Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.
— Aditi Mathur Kumar
If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidenceand punishes those who do. — Peter Boghossian
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
— Henny Youngman
It's funny how things work out sometimes.
— Anthony Horowitz
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
— Franklin D. Roosevelt
Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.
— Lois Greiman
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
— Mitch Hedberg
I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.
— Michael Summers
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
— Jeff Foxworthy
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
— Thabang Gideon Magaola
Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!
— Rick Riordan
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.
— Nicole McKay
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
— Frank Carson
I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.
— Jerry Coleman
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
— Steven Wright
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
— Steven Wright
Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,
— Steven Pinker
Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others
— Yana Toboso
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
— Mitch Hedberg
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
— Henny Youngman
She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
— Adam Carolla
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
— Michelle Hodkin
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
— Henny Youngman
What did you want me to do? Ask him for money?
— Mariana Zapata
You catch more flies with honey, ever heard of that?" He shrugged. "I don't like flies. They're annoying." He grinned "I'd rather catch hell.
— Heather Hildenbrand
It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.
— F Scott Fitzgerald
Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.
— Solange Nicole
Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.
— Elizabeth Eulberg
Body language translation: hell yes, dipshit
— Shay Rucker
