Humor Mark Twain Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Humor Mark Twain
Humor Mark Twain Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor Mark Twain quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
There have been daring people in the world who claimed that Fenimore Cooper could write English, but they are all dead now.
— Mark Twain
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
— Mark Twain
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
— Mark Twain
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
— Mark Twain
If you should rear a duck in the heart of the Sahara, no doubt it would swim if you brought it to the Nile.
— Mark Twain
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
— Mark Twain
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
— Mark Twain
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man
— Mark Twain
Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him.
— Dick Van Dyke
At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen.
— Mark Twain
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
— Mark Twain
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
— Mark Twain
Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.
— Mark Twain
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
— Tina Fey
Humor is tragedy plus time.
— Mark Twain
He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.
— Mark Twain
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. — Mark Twain
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. — Mark Twain
There is no humor in heaven.
— Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
— Mark Twain
Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
— Mark Twain
If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.
— Mark Twain
An honest politician is an oxymoron.
— Mark Twain
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
— Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
— Mark Twain
Eschew surplusage.
— Mark Twain
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
— Mark Twain
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
— Mark Twain
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
— Mark Twain
Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.
— Mark Twain
I can last two months on a good compliment.
— Mark Twain
The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
— Mark Twain
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
— Mark Twain
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
— Mark Twain
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
— Mark Twain
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
— Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
— Mark Twain
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
— Mark Twain
This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.
— Mark Twain
Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.
— Mark Twain
Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.
— Mark Twain
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
— Mark Twain
I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate ... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.
— Mark Twain
When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.
— Mark Twain
Tolstoy carelessly neglects to include a boat race.
— Mark Twain
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the fellow who can't read a line.
— Mark Twain
Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!
— Mark Twain
I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again
— Mark Twain
Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!
Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer — Mark Twain
Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer — Mark Twain
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
— Mark Twain
Mark Twain said, "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." Dorsey Bing said, "I'll take womankind's greatest blessing: more wine.
— CeCe Osgood
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
[Mark Twain, a Biography] — Mark Twain
[Mark Twain, a Biography] — Mark Twain
I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.
— Mark Twain
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
— Benjamin Franklin Wade
The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
— Mark Twain
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
— Mark Twain
The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.
— Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
— Mark Twain
Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
— Narcotics Anonymous
Which is him? The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday.
— Mark Twain
Humor is the good natured side of a truth.
— Mark Twain