Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jerry Seinfeld quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.
— Jerry Seinfeld
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
— Jerry Seinfeld
The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
— Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
— Jerry Seinfeld
The best revenge is living well.
— Jerry Seinfeld
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
— Jerry Seinfeld
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
— Jerry Seinfeld
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
— Jerry Seinfeld
You can be passionate about anything.
— Jerry Seinfeld
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
— Jerry Seinfeld
There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me
— Jerry Seinfeld
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
— Jerry Seinfeld
The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
— Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
— Jerry Seinfeld
A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have
— Jerry Seinfeld
When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
— Jerry Seinfeld
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
— Jerry Seinfeld
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
— Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?
— Jerry Seinfeld
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
— Jerry Seinfeld
All magic is 'Here's a quarter, now it's gone. You're a jerk. Now it's back. You're an idiot. Show's over.'
— Jerry Seinfeld
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
— Jerry Seinfeld
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
— Jerry Seinfeld
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
— Jerry Seinfeld
In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is,
— Jerry Seinfeld
It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.
— Jerry Seinfeld
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
— Jerry Seinfeld
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
— Jerry Seinfeld
That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
— Jerry Seinfeld
No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I like money, but it's never been about the money.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
— Jerry Seinfeld
i chose not to run
— Jerry Seinfeld
The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee — Jerry Seinfeld
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
— Jerry Seinfeld
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Festivus for the Restivus!
— Jerry Seinfeld
You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
— Jerry Seinfeld
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I am speechless: I have no speech
— Jerry Seinfeld
The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Why would anybody want a friend?
— Jerry Seinfeld
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
— Jerry Seinfeld
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
— Jerry Seinfeld
There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.
— Jerry Seinfeld
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
— Jerry Seinfeld
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
— Jerry Seinfeld
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
— Jerry Seinfeld
What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
— Jerry Seinfeld
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
— Jerry Seinfeld
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
— Jerry Seinfeld
These pretzels are making me thirsty!
— Jerry Seinfeld
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I sold my house to Jerry Seinfeld.
— Billy Joel
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I'm no Jerry Seinfeld. I wasn't raised with some backyard with a creek and trees and all that.
— Tracy Morgan
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld has an interesting theory. He goes, '20 pounds up or down, and you lose your funny.'
— Jason Alexander
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
— Jerry Seinfeld
I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
— Jerry Seinfeld
You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
— Jerry Seinfeld